Conan

I'd forgotten to mention Conan's weapon-changing system, and there's a reason for that - it's very forgettable. Defeated enemies drop their weapons, which Conan can then pick up and use, in four different combinations: a one-handed weapon, this plus a shield, two one-handers, or a two-handed weapon. Each configuration has its own advantages and disadvantages (power and reach vs. defense and speed), and its own set of combos. But different weapons within these parameters don't make any difference, as far as I can tell; and since you don't really get to choose what weapons are made available to you anyway, it's pretty much a moot point.

As with most beat-em-ups, Conan is least fun when you're surrounded and stunlocked, dying while unable to counterattack or even evade. This comes to a head in the final boss battle, which is the most upset I've been with a video game since Prototype's giant cancerous penis boss. Fortunately, Conan's final boss has some mid-battle checkpoints thrown in, which just about makes up for its unnecessary quick-time events.

Other than this infuriating encounter, Conan is a thoroughly mediocre 6-7 hour experience. It's a triumph for Ron Perlman's voice acting, and possibly a worthwhile piece of merch for a die-hard Conan fan, but has too many minor flaws (and not enough core competency) to be a good game.

Better than: Golden Axe: Beast Rider
Not as good as: God of War
Unique selling point: Rescuing topless maidens, who ask you to "Crush me with your love!" (Unfortunately, there is no "Crush w/ Love" move.)

Progress: Finished on Normal