Jumper: Griffin's Story

Now, I'm no stranger to bad games. And I try my best to see them through, because hey, they're usually only a couple hours long anyway. But Jumper? Man. No way.

I know I just said that Terminator Salvation had last-gen graphics, but this is way worse. If I assume that the Wii version looks identical to the Xbox 360 one - and really, there's no reason it couldn't - it still looks fuckin' terrible. The models and textures are downright N64-esque. So is the audio quality, for that matter. And the narrative direction. If I didn't know that the (stupid) movie was released in 2008, I'd be convinced that this license was from the '90s.

As for the gameplay, there's actually an interesting idea here: based on the premise that the main character can just up and teleport wherever he wants (except away from the battle, I guess), each of the four face buttons will put Griffin on one side of the targeted enemy: Y goes behind, A in front, X to the left, and B to the right. Then he whacks the guy with a stick. As you're fighting a dude, a green indicator will appear on one side, which you'll get "power" for when you hit it; and another side may show a red indicator, meaning you'll be counterattacked if you try it. Of course there are combos and special moves too, but they're largely irrelevant -- conceptually, the combat system is half-Quick-Time-Event, half rhythm game, and in theory could be pretty fun.

Unsurprisingly though, the execution sucks. Ignoring the sometimes unresponsive controls, and the environment and camera glitches, the most basic problem is that the red indicator moves. Jumper's combat system only works when it's fast - not just because it's otherwise boring, but also because enemies attack fast - and as an enemy turns around, the camera moves, and random triggers just kind of happen, it can become very difficult to predict where the red indicator is even as you're hitting it.

Typically, this just makes for some frustrating button mashing. But in the game's third level, I ended up fighting two dudes with stupid-fast attacks, who each have two red sides at a time. They can take me down almost instantly, and yet there doesn't seem to be any way for me to effectively fight back, unless I pussyfoot around the room for 20 minutes getting in cheap shots. Or reduce the difficulty. Either way, not worth the effort.

What an abysmal failure. Man. I wonder how bad the rest of the game is, though.

Progress: Gave Up -- Can't finish the third level on Normal