This has some pretty strong buzz surrounding it, so I had to give the demo a whirl. After all, dumb gimmicky Flash games can be a fun afternoon-waster.

A few minutes later, I'd decided: VVVVVV is brilliant.

I didn't even finish the demo, but I'm hooked already. The game mechanics are simple, so it's incredibly fast to get into - but challenging in the levels' somewhat-evil difficulty. And yet, it never feels frustrating, because of the exceedingly generous checkpoint system. A single challenge may take several tries and several deaths, but at least in the demo, I never had to repeat a sequence so long that I'd call it bullshit.

Of course, I'd be lying if I said the presentation had nothing to do with the game's charm. The blocky retro graphics and simple character emotions (your guy frowns when he dies) are adorable, and the high-energy chiptune music perfectly suits the game action.

The appeal of the game has a lot in common with Braid, which is a very good thing.

Progress: Played the demo

It's good to be back in Vice City. The weather, the music, the straightforward game map - it's nice.

I've only just started in Vice City Stories, but I have to say I'm surprised by the vacuousness of the game's plot. I expected something lighter than San Andreas, since this debuted on a system with basically no battery life; but between the low-key story scenes and the characters all having multiple-personality disorder, it's a GTA3-caliber narrative, which is a little sad.

Other than that I don't have much to go on yet. But I am looking forward to this game's big feature: empire building, which as far as I know, is like a combination of gang warfare from San Andreas and property ownership from Vice City. F'in sweet.

Progress: Pretty sure Phil is going to end up robbing a bank

With God of War III's hype train about to arrive at the station, I still haven't taken sides: do I think the series is improving over time, or that it peaked in the first installment? Well, I had to play the second game to find out - and an hour or two in, I'm of the opinion that I really don't care.

God of War II didn't take long to remind me of what I liked and didn't like about the original. The cinematic presentation, while sometimes a little cheesy (taking liberties with Greek mythology will do that), is overall awe-inspiring and impressive - both in story sequences and in gameplay. And the puzzles, when they arise, are surprisingly stimulating and satisfying. But platforming actions are dreadful: having to do precise jumps with a cinematic camera is stupid. The combat can get pretty boring. And quick-time events are more frustrating than fun.

I enjoyed most of my time with the first game back in 20-aught-7. But now, three years on, the God of War kill-em-up formula has been done to death and I am absolutely tired of it. So while I am interested in the plot and puzzles, and wowed by the presentation, God of War II's core gameplay - painting the floor with soldier/demon blood - is a real turn-off. Seeing as this dominates the running time of the game, it's difficult for me to stay motivated.

I've resolved to simply watch other people play the game on YouTube. And, I'll probably do the same for the third game.

Meh.

Progress: Gave Up -- Got to the Titan Cave

The final boss fight was a bit frustrating for a few reasons, and the ending was a little short on closure. But, I'm over it. As for the endgame? Other than a higher difficulty mode (in which the tutorial boss very nearly murdered me), I haven't found anything yet, although I'm hopeful that there are some hidden unlocks still waiting to be revealed.

Basically, Desperate Struggle takes No More Heroes and removes the following:

• Free-roaming overworld
• 3D minigames
• Repeatable side-jobs where you slaughter chumps

Then adds:

• More fights
• Cooler beam swords
• 2D NES-style minigames
• Two missions where you play as Shinobu
• A fight where you play as Henry
• Hilarious breast physics
• Tiger mode
• An astronaut A cosmonaut

NMH2 does not have the shock value that NMH did, because it mostly treads the same ground (mechanically, anyway; the first game did not have any astronauts cosmonauts). But while it may not be a wholly new experience, it is much more refined; especially as regards the side jobs, which have become fun enough to rival the fighting part of the game. The sequel's highs are not much higher than the original's, but the lows have been addressed with a vengeance.

If Quentin Tarantino ever made a Pulp Fiction 2, I bet it would turn out something like this.

Better than: No More Heroes
Not as good as: Super Mario Galaxy? I can't think of a better game like it
There is a new girl like Holly Summers: her name is Alice, and she is pretty

Progress: Finished on Mild

My grievances so far:

• Part of the charm of No More Heroes was that it was entirely fresh and new. Inevitably, an iterative sequel loses that feeling. There is no way this could have been avoided, but, I wanted to mention it.
• There are fewer side-missions involving wanton killing, and they are not repeatable. The new NES-style jobs are way better than the ones from the first game - you'll actually want to replay these! - but I do miss endlessly-repeatable murdering.
• The game sets you up to believe that you may be killing 51 assassins. This, in fact, is the game pulling a "Suda" on you. Swaths of the chart are skipped, in one form or another. There are still considerably more fights than in the original, but! just don't get your hopes up for fifty of them. It's only one game disc.
• I really, really want this game to be in high-definition. The visual style is amazing. At a higher resolution, I imagine it would be absolutely incredible.
• Compared to the first game's assassins, I feel like this one's are more interesting, but less verbose - they frequently leave me wanting more. I guess, really, this isn't much of a grievance.
• There is a level where you can jump, and it shows how terrible the camera can be during rapid movement.
• I miss Holly Summers.

But these are all minor nitpicks, relative to the good in Desperate Struggle. In so many words, it takes what was good about No More Heroes, removes most of what was not-so-good, and adds even more good.

What I'm saying is, this game is really good.

Progress: Rank 4

Yes.

There are three aspects of Desperate Struggle to consider.

1) Fighting! It's, uh, like No More Heroes - same ideas, but more refined. I just got a beam sword that can stretch across the room. Sweet.

2) Not fighting! The somewhat-tiring overworld from the first game is just a map screen, now. And you probably know that the minigames have become retro-themed throwbacks. Also, you can play with a cat.

3) Writing! The first game was over the top, and this one is over that. Half the lines sound straight from a Tarantino movie.

"People deal with grief in different ways. Some people fuck at funerals. I cut off heads."

Progress: Rank 25

God damn it.

I was somewhat into the game as it continued to introduce new weapons and new enemies. But eventually it just got ... stupid. The seventh level ended with a gauntlet sequence I retried a jillion times, which really brought my attention to the shortcomings of the level design (it looks like a cover-based shooter, but there's no good way to take cover!), and the utter lunacy of how many enemy weapons can kill or almost-kill you in a single shot.

The eighth level started with more of that. And afterward, was made up of faceless rooms and halls that were definitely designed with Halo's endless corridors section in mind. In fact, between the sound effects, the shitty characters, the enemy types, and some of these level designs, I've become convinced that The Conduit is really just a homage to the first Halo. But worse.

The ninth, and final, level is another gauntlet. In the first room of this level, there are a dozen enemies, each of whom has more health and does more damage than you do. At this point I completely lost patience, and dropped it down to easy mode. Fucking hell - I just wanted to be done with it.

These late game frustrations completely obliterated the ambivalence I had for The Conduit earlier. Why didn't this campaign turn out better? It could have; it should have. All the pieces are here. It just needed competent design - or, to be fair, design in the final levels as competent as in the first few. Enemy gauntlets are a completely transparent attempt to conceal uninteresting environments and a lack of compelling mission goals. I admire High Voltage's tech prowess in getting this thing running, and the control flexibility is seriously impressive, but that's a far cry from having a fun game.

If you have the chance, play the first two levels (the second is the best) and just stop. It's fun to try, but the rest of the game isn't really worth it.

Also, The Conduit is the only Wii game I know of that doesn't pause when the remote turns off. I found this out the hard way.

Better than: Eat Lead: The Return of Matt Hazard
Not as good as: Halo: Combat Evolved
The online multiplayer might be fun: but that's not why you have a Wii, is it?

Progress: Finished the campaign (Low difficulty for the last level)

The controls are, yes, certainly good. It took me a bit to get back in the hang of Wii-FPSing, but the customizable sensitivity and dead zone and everything helped out. (Although to be honest, I ended up going mostly with defaults, because it's easy to screw up the settings.)

Other than that, though, The Conduit doesn't really have ... anything going for it. The story is hackneyed and poorly written. The level design is generally uninspired. The All-Seeing Eye, the game's "gimmick" as it were, is more annoying than fascinating; having to stop to set off invisible mines, and search around a room for hidden locks, really slows the game down.

The shooting is good, but not great - there's plenty of variety in the weapons, although a lot of them are basically useless for one reason or another (there's a handgun that one-shot kills almost anything, but it can only carry 16 bullets!). Though there are a lot of kinds of enemies, almost all of the baddies I've encountered have been humans or human-sized aliens. With the exception of these little red suicidal-exploding fuckers, who are responsible for about 90% of my deaths.

Also, I'm almost certain that the enemy sound effects are direct rips from Halo.

It's pretty short - I'm over halfway through in one sitting - but that's probably a good thing. The mechanics are solid, but by and large the game just comes across as bland.

Progress: Mission 6

This is the funniest part of the game. And a joke about Mass Effect's loading elevators. It doesn't get any better than those! Unfortunately.

The last level did have a few humorous touches - jabs at game studio employees - but it in no way made the rest of the game, or even just that level, worth it. Eat Lead may be a short game, at around 6 hours from start to finish, but is still too long for what it is. The lame jokes and tiresome gameplay wear out their welcome within the first two levels.

Really. Don't bother.

Better than: Kane & Lynch: Dead Men (PC, PS3, X360)
Not as good as: Fracture
Instead of playing this: just watch Arrested Development

Progress: Finished on easy

It stinks!

On paper, Eat Lead is a great idea. A comedic send-up of established video game tropes, tied together by a parodic fourth-wall-breaking story, should be good even if the gameplay sucks. And it does suck! As with Kane & Lynch, I knew going in that the game was, metrically, bad. The shooting mechanics are not as offensively awful as in K&L - Eat Lead actually has a halfway-respectable cover system, somewhat marred by glitchy controls. It also has ridiculous difficulty settings (impossibly easy or impossibly impossible), retarded level design, wave after wave of mindless enemies, and disappointingly uninspired weapons.

Anyway! Like I was saying, this would be fine if the game was as funny as something starring (the voice of) Will Arnett should be. But the writing is terrible. One or two genuinely funny moments aside, the majority of the game's scenarios, dialog, and pratfalls are just lame. Not even lowbrow, just, not funny. "Master Chef?" Really? Come on.

The tragic flaw of Eat Lead is that it "makes fun of" stupid game design decisions by doing them. The design doc for this was probably a riot. But in actually executing it, the game misses the point! Running around in circles because you can't find the exit; waiting for a pointless loading screen; lazily headshotting zombies for minutes at a time - these are funny when they happen to someone else.

The upshot is that the game is obscenely short. I'm maybe four hours in now, and should be finished in another one, two tops.

Progress: Finished the boat level