Posts: 151 (hey, original number of Pokémon callback)

Games Played: 87 (74 standalone + 13 DLC)

• PC: 74 (62 + 12 DLC)
• 3DS: 7 (6 + 1 DLC)
• Wii U: 5
• Xbox 360: 1

Highlights:

• Fez
• Grand Theft Auto V's campaign
• Gunpoint
• Mark of the Ninja
• Super Mario 3D World

Lowlights:

• Grand Theft Auto V's online
• McPixel
• Picross e
• Proteus
• Puzzle Agent

Most Comforting (alternatively, Most Relieving):

• The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds
• The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker HD
• Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney - Dual Destinies
• Turning the hilarious failure of SimCity (2013) into rekindled interest in SimTower
• My continuing disdain for Just Cause 2

Biggest Surprises:

• Analogue: A Hate Story
• Assassin's Creed III
• Borderlands 2 DLC (Captian Scarlett, Mr. Torgue, Sir Hammerlock)
• Call of Juarez: Gunslinger
• Open-world LEGO games (Undercover, LotR, DC, Marvel)
• Mercenary Kings
• Thomas Was Alone
• Tomb Raider (2013)

Biggest Disappointments:

• Adventure Time: Hey Ice King! Why'd You Steal Our Garbage?!
• Batman: Arkham Origins's creative bankruptcy
• BioShock Infinite: Burial at Sea - Episode 1
• The private execution of The Last Guardian
• Ouya
• Sleeping Dogs DLC (Zodiac Tournament, Year of the Snake)
• The Walking Dead
• The public execution of Star Wars: 1313

Coolest Application of Existential Physics:
BioShock Infinite

Most Shocking Technical Ineptitude:
Binary Domain

Baddest-Ass Ass-Kicking Badassery:
Saints Row IV
Runner-up: Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon

Most Goddamned Confusing Bullshit I'll Never Fucking Understand:
The Wonderful 101

The "I've Had This For How Many Years?" Duke Nukem Forever Memorial Award Winner:
Trine 2

Best Game of 2013:
If Saints Row had Red Faction: Guerrilla's Geo-Mod physics
Runner-up: Saints Row IV

Most Looking Forward To in 2014:

• Actually getting somewhere in Assassin's Creed IV Black Flag
• Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance
• Maybe the next Uncharted, please?
• Saints Row IV DLC
• Watch Dogs

Most Nervously Awaiting in 2014:

• Adventure Time: Explore the Dungeon Because I Don't Know!
• BioShock Infinite: Burial at Sea - Episode 2
• A PC relaunch of Grand Theft Auto V
• Actually getting somewhere in Killer Is Dead
• Thief

You can really consider Hey Ice King - whose full title I refuse to type more than I have to - as two distinct experiences. If, like me, you're a devoted fan of the Adventure Time cartoon and think that pretty much anything set in that universe is awesome: then this game is mediocre at best. And if you don't have any interest in or knowledge of the Land of Ooo: then it, like the princesses you save, is just garbage.

Credit where it's due, the writing is perfect (not terribly surprising since the script is written by show creator Pendleton Ward himself). The dialog, character art and animations, locations you visit, and even rare voice samples all measure up to the level of quality of the cartoon. This script could be adapted into an episode or two of the show, without missing a beat.

Unfortunately, this is the game's only real victory. The overall design - make your way through the map, fetching items and defeating enemies - is overly simplistic, and poorly served by the levels and mechanics underneath. Navigating the overworld is a pain; inbetween areas of interest, there's nothing to do except walk across the map, and avoid random enemy encounters. These encounters are themselves a complete waste of time, since - although there are stats with levels - you don't gain experience points from fighting, and the only reward for defeating enemies is a random item to slot into your already-claustrophobic backpack.

In levels, the majority of the gameplay consists of beating up enemies, and although Finn and Jake have a handful of moves to use, the main attack's reach and strength make all the other attacks obsolete. There is a healthy variety of enemies, but there are very few distinct attack patterns to avoid, and there's no reason to ever even bother using the attack- and defense-boosting items you'll pick up. Infrequent platforming challenges are made more frustrating than they need to be with lackluster collision detection, shoddy controls (particularly for the 3DS analog stick -- it's too easy to accidentally tilt upward or downward while moving), and a few mechanics which are simply not implemented well enough. The best example is a wind-gust element, which you have to ride or block depending on the context, but which is extremely difficult to see on the screen, and will often blow you into a bottomless pit (forcing you to restart the entire level).

Easily, the single biggest error in the game's design is an incredible propensity for backtracking. Far, far too frequently throughout the adventure, you'll encounter an NPC who requests an item from an earlier region; so you get to go back to a region-gating level, fight through the same enemies again, revisit some other location or level (which may involve yet more re-fighting), then go to the region gate again and fight those enemies even more again. Way too much of the game's running time is simply re-treading ground for the sake of completing fetch-quests.

Ultimately, Hey Ice King's abbreviated length is more merciful than disappointing. I spent a little over four hours on the game from start to finish, and I could imagine a fast-travel system (so as to avoid the aforementioned and abhorrent backtracking) bringing that figure down to three, or maybe even two.

Pen Ward's brilliant writing and the mostly-pleasant art only barely managed to save me from really hating this game. I sincerely hope that WayForward's next Adventure Time installment is better put-together.

Better than: Scribblenauts
Not as good as: Half-Minute Hero: Super Mega Neo Climax
Even if you love Adventure Time: do yourself a favor and watch the game, instead of playing it yourself.

There is a simple beauty to A Link Between Worlds, and it's a direct result of the game's intimate relationship with The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past -- first, because so many of its mechanics and designs hearken back to those halcyon days of simpler games; and second, because anyone who played Link to the Past obsessively in its day (as we all did, right?) can naturally intuit much about this game's world.

While A Link Between Worlds is sometimes striking in its familiarity - in the general plot line, the locations, even the music and sound effects - none of it feels unwelcome. The game goes far beyond the realm of "remake," with not only analog motion and up-to-date visuals, but remixed content (such as returning bosses with dramatically different behaviors), and whole new items. This game has four magic rods! That's a 100% improvement.

While the general themes are similar, the dungeon designs themselves are completely new. And aside from a few fairly short ones (mostly in the "light world"), they all provide a highly satisfying challenge, and a surprising breadth of puzzles. It's been a long time since a dungeon obstacle genuinely stumped me, but it happened more than once, here. This is some of the best Zelda design yet.

The star of the show is Link's new 2D power, which flattens him into a wall to traverse cliffs and sneak through cracks. It takes a bit of getting used to, because it totally upends the movement mechanics you'd expect from a Zelda game; now, a pit isn't a roadblock, but an opportunity to follow its perimeter and see what platforms are out there. This mechanic is certainly one of the most compelling in recent Zelda memory.

And the icing on this cake is the item-renting system, which opens access to most of the game's inventory from very early on. (If you die, you'll lose your rentals, but there's rarely a threat of this.) As a consequence, mechanics like hookshot targets and bombable walls are all open for business as soon as you scrounge up a few measely rupees. Zelda games have never had quite this level of freedom in exploring the world, and it's an extremely welcome change from the strict hand-holding linearity of Link's past few adventures.

My biggest complaint about A Link Between Worlds is that it doesn't take this idea quite far enough. Some items, specifically the Pegasus Boots and Titan Mitts, still have to be unlocked in the traditional way, and this blocks some paths until you've performed the right sequence of steps. If not for these quirks, A Link Between Worlds could be fairly retitled Grand Theft Zelda.

Unfortunately, the game's replay value is a bit wanting. After buying all the items, and collecting the dungeons' extra upgrades (like stronger tunics and materials for sword forging), there's little reason to return to Hyrule or its dark twin Lorule; there are only 28 heart pieces, most of which are easy to stumble across in a normal playthrough, and the game's other primary collectible - octopus babies - are just used for item upgrades, which are almost universally unhelpful. There are a couple more optional extras, like StreetPass challenges and a gauntlet dungeon, but these are similarly uncompelling.

All in all, A Link Between Worlds could be rightly, though foolishly, accused of being somewhat derivative. In fact, much of the game's strength is specifically because it inherits from A Link to the Past's proven formulae -- and the game's new features complement the old ones perfectly.

This Zelda doesn't have an epic story or an awe-inspiring world design, but it is old-fashioned, tightly-crafted fun, with enough twists to keep Zelda veterans on their toes.

Better than: The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass
Not as good as: The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D
Still not sure what to expect? Here's a hint: imagine a combination of Link to the Past's Palace of Darkness (with the Helmasaur King), and Wind Waker's Earth Temple. Yeah, that's the gist of what we're talking about.

Progress: Saved the world(s), incomplete heart piece and octopus collections.

Even in its optional extras, Arkham Origins sits contentedly in the shadow of its forebear. At their best, this game's investigative sidequests can about measure up to Arkham City's average level of quality; at their worst (which is most of them), they're just stilted sessions of connect-the-dots that barely even bother with narrative framing. Tragically, one of the most fascinating extras - the story of Cyrus Pinkley - doesn't get marked on the map, so you're likely to miss it completely unless you ask The Internet.

And for the sake of tradition, if nothing else, Origins even goes so far as to include a ridiculous number of Riddler collectibles. Ultimately the reward is (according to tradition) an empty disappointment, although also somewhat hilarious when taken in the context of the series.

As before: Arkham Origins is "good enough." For now, at least.

Progress: Finished all the sidequests and got all the collectibles (except some of Anarky's bullshit graffiti tags).

Batman: Arkham Origins is Batman: Arkham City, but worse. "Worse," of course, is a relative term. Arkham City was fantastic, even as a follow-up to the also-fantastic Arkham Asylum; Arkham Origins, though falling short of Arkham City in many ways, is still fundamentally a good and fun game. Given that it was developed by a totally different studio (a WB-owned studio in Montreal, rather than series steward Rocksteady), it's not really a bad outcome.

The story is jumbled, slapdash, and poorly-written, with embarrassingly bad character development -- but it nevertheless manages to offer thrilling encounters and tense pacing, stringing the game along while unlocking new areas and devices.

The enemies are overly familiar, both figuratively (Copperhead functionally replaces Scarecrow) and literally (seriously, how many fucking times do these guys want me to fight Bane?) -- but they serve up a satisfying amount of interesting boss fights anyway.

Grunt-level combat seems to have taken a hit, with more frequent counter-misses than I'm used to, and an incredibly annoying habit of throwing out way too goddamn many enemies at once -- but the moment-to-moment fighting is still solid, and a lot of fun.

Batman's library of gadgets is mostly the same as the last game, and even the "new" gadgets are just reskinned versions of old ones -- but the puzzles, hazards, and takedowns they enable remain as fun as they were two years ago.

The huge world map is more difficult to navigate through than Arkham City's free-flying landscape, due to crowded skylines and a river splitting the city in two -- but there are enough side-missions, collectibles, and random activities to keep things exciting during cross-town flights.

There are a handful of unwelcome bugs, mostly in terms of faulty level geometry, getting stuck in or falling through things here and there -- but the majority of the time, the Arkham engine delivers just as well as it did before.

And the new voice actors for Batman and The Joker are, frankly, not as skilled as the legendary Kevin Conroy and Mark Hamill -- but they do a pretty good job in general.

Overall, yeah, Arkham Origins is worth it for another Batman fix. It's "good enough," and certainly substantial enough, in terms of its amount of content. But I worry about the machinations behind the game's production. It could hardly be more obvious that this game only exists because WB wanted a "filler" release between Rocksteady games; and given that the engine and design framework were laid out for them by Rocksteady themselves, WB still managed to break a disappointing number of things in their iteration.

Crucially, all the creative elements of Arkham Origins - its placement in Batman's timeline, the story pacing, the dialogue writing, the selection of villains, the Gotham City venues, the gadgets, the techniques, the upgrades ... all of these - are lacking in original quality. To put it bluntly, the things that work about Arkham Origins work solely because they were inherited from Arkham City. Except for the sheer amount of sidequests, and for the visual fidelity of the cutscenes, Arkham Origins feels more like a mod than a sequel.

The slightly insidious motive behind this game, then, is that WB can lazily iterate on a great developer's tech, put little effort into rehashing it, and sell it as a new installment. And they can get away with it! They totally can. Again, Arkham Origins is fun enough to be worth playing. But it would be a real, damn shame if more lazy iterations like this were to dilute Rocksteady's commendable standard of quality.

Better than: LEGO Batman 2: DC Super Heroes (3DS, Mac, PC, PS3, Wii, WiiU, X360)
Not as good as: Batman: Arkham Asylum or Batman: Arkham City
At least we'll know what to expect: if WB maintains a trend of alternating Rocksteady and B-team installments.

Progress: Finished the story, going back in for sidequests..

There are two reasons why this DLC episode for Dual Destinies is so exciting.

The first is that the Special Episode itself, the bonus case, is very well done. As a self-contained case, it doesn't have the deep backstory that a full-length game can reach; but it contends just fine with the series' very best one-off cases. There are pirates, there's a whale wearing a hat, and there are even some rapping freestyle cross-examinations. And as with Ace Attorney's best content, despite the silliness of its characters and scenes, there is a real, sensible and compelling mystery underpinning it all. It's a great case to unravel.

The second reason is that it proves out a whole new delivery mechanism for Ace Attorney cases. Of course, it's obvious from this episode's amount of content that it was under development while Dual Destinies itself was still awaiting release; but as a drop-in addition to the existing game engine, it shows that we no longer need to wait years between cases. Hell, Capcom could even take a note from Telltale and drip-feed a larger-scale story, one downloadable case at a time.

The future of Ace Attorney is looking pretty bright.

Better than: the first two or three cases of Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney - Dual Destinies
Not as good as: the last case of Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney - Dual Destinies
So, overall: pretty good!

Progress: Complete.

Like Mario's previous Wii and Wii U multiplayer outings, Super Mario 3D World transforms dramatically when you're playing by yourself. But unlike that of the "New" sub-series, 3D World's single-player experience is actually quite good. Levels are designed, not as party-time arenas that bear resemblance to classic Mario scenarios, but instead as tightly-wound platforming gems that you happen to be able to cram other players into.

Everything about 3D World seems better-executed than in the New SMB games. Three-dimensional levels allow much denser obstacle placement; kitty-cat climbing opens up a lot more verticality as well. The world themes cover the traditional bases, but also include space stuff, ala Super Mario Galaxy. Having unique abilities to each character - especially Toad's running, and Peach's floating - benefits the single-player by enabling character-specific obstacles, and the multiplayer by fostering a little asymmetric competition. (The end-of-level score tallies, ala The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventures, also help drive friendly rivalry in multiplayer.) Even the soundtrack is a surprising triumph, adding to the series' lighthearted tunes with orchestral scores and some compelling original compositions. And, of course, the game is graphically stunning -- Nintendo's best-looking production to date.

I can't, in good faith, say that this is Mario's finest adventure; comparing anything to Galaxy 2's platforming perfection still seems unfair. But this is the closest Nintendo's come yet to replicating that success, and the superb multiplayer makes for some delicious icing on the cake.

That being said ... 3D World still holds one last bonus world that I haven't unlocked yet. Maybe there are some even more radical levels hidden away in there. (Incidentally, unlocking bonus worlds and levels is much, much more pleasant than in the New SMB installments.)

Better than: New Super Mario Bros. U
Not as good as: Super Mario Galaxy 2
The world and level etymology is cute, too: for example, "World Bowser-Train" is a level ... on a train, with Bowser.

Progress: 265 green stars, 49 stamps.

In its first two cases, Dual Destinies feels mostly like preparation, learning the ropes of the game world and characters. The following two cases, then, are the meat of an Ace Attorney experience: fascinating mysteries with nuanced evidence trails and clever writing. At this point, Dual Destinies is a solid franchise entry, if not a series highlight.

But it's that fifth case that really turns things upside-down -- for the better. Just as in Phoenix Wright's past titles, the final case brings everything together in one impeccably-orchestrated story, and the characters that have taken so long to build up are made to shine their absolute brightest. The fifth case redeems the occasional tedium of the preceding game by making it all feel meaningful in retrospect. And there's even a thrilling narrative twist, that I - with all my years of Ace Attorney experience - was honest-to-Gunpei astonished by. It's ... man. It's really well done.

The story is great, the presentation is great, and the mechanics are solid as ever. Ultimately, if there's anything lacking in Dual Destinies (aside from more judicious proofreading -- "tenets," not "tenants," guys), it's the evidence-examination minigames that Phoenix's DS games invented and refined. Dual Destinies has one or two of these, but could have used a few more, specifically in some instances where items have to be assembled or re-arranged. At any rate, the game is a great success even without these.

Phoenix is going to have trouble keeping his law office in check, with all these new, talented lawyers filling it up.

Better than: Ace Attorney Investigations: Miles Edgeworth
Not as good as: maybe the first Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney (NDS), but it's hard to say with certainty. It's right up there with the best of them.
Here's hoping that this excellent production: signals a dramatic return to the spotlight for Ace Attorney. Until then, on to the DLC!

Progress: Complete.

To be fair, Kairo never pretends to be anything more than it is: a minimalist, first-person, 3D exploration and puzzle game. There are occasional, Valve-like environmental hints at a backstory, but this is never emphasized or important. Your task is to, essentially, progress through the world -- solving puzzles to do so, where said puzzle-solving is done by shoving objects to move them into place, or walking over switches to activate them.

Not really having a narrative or meaningful exposition, Kairo tries to prop itself up with environmental intrigue (ala Myst). But, while Kairo's level architecture is occasionally interesting, the minimalist style leaves it with a general lack of detail. There simply isn't much of anything going on, here.

The game's puzzles are almost all simple: sometimes pleasantly so, sometimes insultingly. The pause menu has a helpful hint feature, so if you're really stuck in a room, you can ask the game for a pointer in the right direction. Unfortunately there are a few instances where this still isn't helpful, because the puzzle relies on some "outside the box" mechanic or idea that didn't even seem to be a possibility.

All in all, Kairo is an interesting design experiment, and a modest production effort, but there isn't really enough about it to feel exciting or even unique.

Better than: Dear Esther
Not as good as: Antichamber
Like I said at the top: at the least, Kairo seems to know what it is. It never comes off as pretentious or silly.

Progress: Finished the puzzles, only collected a few extra things.

It's been over three years since Ace Attorney last stumbled into North America, and almost five since Phoenix Wright himself made an appearance. To wit, it's difficult for me to remember whether the series' trademark courtroom drama was always this verbose, or if that's a more recent phenomenon. But there's no doubt that, woven within the game's walls of text, Dual Destinies retains all the qualities that made its predecessors great: engaging characters, thoughtful case design, exciting cross-examination mechanics, and the thrill of unraveling a case's mysteries by the seat of your pants.

What Dual Destinies brings to the franchise table, aside from Athena Cykes's new emotion-detecting examination technique, is a wealth of production-quality updates. Just as Apollo Justice revamped its predecessors' GBA-era visuals with higher-resolution assets and touchscreen features, Dual Destinies has gone and refurbished the entire game engine with 3D models. Crime scenes can be explored from multiple angles, panning around the courtroom shows a fully-rendered environment, and all the game's characters are fully-modeled and animated. What's most remarkable is that this jump to 3D has preserved not only the franchise's eccentric art style, but its characters' exaggerated animations; these models jump in shock, cry in stress, and pound the table just as you'd expect.

The top screen's 3D effect is used really well, too, adding visible and realistic depth to scenes. (But I still leave it off most of the time, for a better viewing angle.)

The cases I've tried so far have been ... okay, but not really spectacular. It's obvious that Dual Destinies is building up a larger narrative, though I've yet to see where they're going with it. The story so far has placed a reduced emphasis on older characters - largely revolving around Apollo and Athena, with brief cameos from Phoenix, and no Edgeworths or Gumshoes in sight - so I hope that this seemingly-new arc can stand up against those that came before it.

Progress: Finished case 2.